


I've Reached My Breaking Point

by Glowstar826



Series: Love in the Time of Magical Destruction [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avada Kedavra, Blood, Blood Loss, Blood and Injury, Book 6: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Boys Kissing, Broken Bones, Canonical Character Death, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Dark, Dark Arts, Dark Severus Snape, Death Eater Severus Snape, Death Eaters, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Emotions, Face Punching, Fights, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, French Kissing, Frustration, Gay Male Character, Gay Remus Lupin, Gay Severus Snape, Gentle Kissing, Good Severus Snape, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hugs, Hurt Remus Lupin, Hurt Severus Snape, Hurt/Comfort, IWSC | The International Wizarding Schools Championship Writing Challenge, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Kissing, Loss, M/M, Male Bonding, Male Friendship, Male Homosexuality, Male Protagonist, Male Slash, Men Crying, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Neck Kissing, No Sex, No Smut, POV First Person, POV Male Character, POV Severus Snape, Punching, Remus Lupin & Severus Snape Friendship, Remus Lupin is a Good Boyfriend, Remus Lupin is a Good Friend, Romance, Romantic Fluff, Rough Kissing, Sad and Happy, Sad with a Happy Ending, Second War with Voldemort, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Severus Snape, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Severus Snape Has a Heart, Severus Snape Needs a Hug, Severus Snape-centric, Slash, Spells & Enchantments, Spinner's End, Spoilers, Surprise Kissing, Wands, established remus lupin/severus snape, mental pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:33:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26581456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glowstar826/pseuds/Glowstar826
Summary: After killing his only friend and ally, all seems hopeless for one Severus Snape. Until there is an unexpected knock at his door and an even more unexpected visitor.
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Severus Snape
Series: Love in the Time of Magical Destruction [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2129211
Comments: 5
Kudos: 86





	I've Reached My Breaking Point

**Author's Note:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING: There are homophobic slurs used in this one-shot.**
> 
> **Rated M for swearing, mentions of heavy drinking, unintentional self-harm, and mild violence.**
> 
> Thank you so much to my beta, **Hucklebarry**!

_Pain._

_Anguish._

_Regret._

I held the broken firewhiskey bottle with a vice-like grip as it penetrated the barrier on my body between air and flesh. I watched my palm with grim satisfaction as the dark, wine-red liquid trickled down my arm and slowly turned my white cuff into a bright, bloody red. It stood out against my skin, which now looked as white as death itself.

_Hatred._

_Revulsion._

_Fury._

I stared at the flickering embers of the dying fire, feeling too drained to rekindle it as I thought of what I had done just hours ago.

" _Severus..._ "

I screamed as I flung the bottle at the wall, and I watched it shatter as the bits and pieces of glass ricocheted in my direction. In reflex, I quickly grasped my wand and cast a nonverbal _Protego_ to prevent one of the shards from taking my eye out; it got slicked with the blood that was flowing from the cut on my wand hand, but I couldn't have cared less.

" _Severus...please..._ "

I rammed my fist into the wall. I didn't care about the cracking sound I subsequently heard nor about the bone that now protruded unnaturally from my hand. I deserved this pain, for I had agreed to this. I had _willingly agreed_ to this. Now, I had to suffer the consequences as the rest of the Wizarding world looked at me with disgust. Now, they would finally see me how they had wanted to see me for so, so long: a Death Eater in disguise. A slimy, manipulative Slytherin. A mistake.

They'd see Dumbledore as a mad old coot, too, and not as the leader they ought to have seen him as. They'd claim in their own righteousness that Dumbledore shouldn't have trusted someone like me. That he shouldn't have hired me. That he should've left me in Azkaban to rot all those years ago. That, if it weren't for his foolish mistake, he would still be alive.

Ironically, that last one was _very_ true. As I realized this, I sank down to my knees and started sobbing.

"Why, Albus, _why_?!" I screamed at the ceiling. "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO PUT ON THAT DAMN RING?!" I pounded the ground in frustration as I screamed again, "WHY?!"

I put my head in my hands and sobbed even harder, smearing my face with blood, lamenting my current situation. It was too much to take. It wasn't about Lily anymore. It never was, really. It was always about ridding the world from that monster forever. Funnily enough, I needn't have worried about whether I'd stop fighting. After all those years, I had come to truly believe in Albus's cause. I truly believed in the destruction of Voldemort, and I wanted him to die by any means possible.

That brought me to another grim thought: Potter. No matter how much I hated the child, I didn't want to send him to an early death. I still wished that I could fulfill the vow I made, but now I knew that it wouldn't be possible. In order for Voldemort to die, Potter would have to die first by the former's hand. Even though I dedicated the rest of my life to protecting Potter, Lily would still hate my guts were she alive. I treated her son like garbage. If she saw how I treated Longbottom and Granger, she'd hate me even more. Frankly, I couldn't bring myself to care. I'd just have to live with the consequences once all this was over. There were many, _many_ more important things to worry about than the emotional state of three fragile Gryffindors. Besides, it wasn't like I was going to survive. I knew I'd die at some point now that Albus was gone. I just hoped that I'd survive long enough to give Potter the message.

That was when I heard a loud knock on my door. I wondered how someone was able to find my sorry excuse for a house down on Spinner's End. That and who.

I looked at my broken hand, lifting it up lazily. Knowing that I couldn't ignore whoever was outside, I took my wand and muttered, " _Episkey_." A cool, white-hot sensation spread through my joints. Flexing my newly repaired fingers, I stood up and walked over to my secret bookcase door. I opened it and trudged up the stairs. A second knock, much louder than the last, resounded throughout the small room. I ignored it for a second time, not even bothering to shout something along the lines of "Coming!" or, "Be right there!" I wasn't in the mood for such pleasantries.

I entered the washroom and opened my medicine cabinet. The tiles were discolored and grimy. There was a cockroach skittering its way across the floor, and I didn't hesitate to end its sorry life as I stamped my boot-clad foot on it. Wiping the dirty insect's remains from my sole on the ground, I turned my attention back to the cabinet where a bandage roll was sitting. Unraveling the Muggle gauze, I wrapped it around my hand and secured it with a tight knot once I was done. I didn't clean the blood off my face, though. I was too upset and too tired to bother about my appearance.

As I went back downstairs, I heard a third knock. This time, I picked up my pace a little as I was ready to answer the door. As soon as I opened it, I was met with a solid punch to the nose.

Not even caring at this point about the sickening crack I heard, I waved my wand and muttered, " _Episkey_ " for the second time that night. As my bones were being repaired, I looked up at my visitor, assuming a disinterested expression.

"Ah. Lupin."

"Don't," said Remus, looking angrier than he had ever looked in his life. I noticed that his eyes were yellower than his usual hazel, signaling that the wolf inside him was equally as angry, if not more.

"Don't what? Address you?" I was really getting tired of playing these games. I caught his fist in my hand as it flew to my face once more.

"Get inside," I ordered, forcing his arm down by his side.

"Why should I?" he snarled.

"Why did you come to see me?"

Without waiting for an answer, I pulled the werewolf by the wrist into the sitting room and threw him down onto the threadbare sofa where I had been brooding.

"So? You're going to kill _me_ now?" taunted Remus contemptuously. "Just like you killed—"

"You don't know _anything_ , Remus," I cut in softly, not wanting to hear the horrid truth being released from his mouth. "Don't talk about things you don't know about."

I was fighting tears again, but I held them in, knowing that no one could know about my true side. I felt my fisted hands shaking as Remus continued his angry tirade.

"We were _lovers_ , Severus! _Lovers_! Do you _know_ how much it hurt me when Harry told me _you_ killed him? Do you?!"

I refused to face Remus, the guilt eating me up from the inside. I still loved him more than anyone else in the world, but I knew our relationship was over from the moment I was asked to mercy-kill Dumbledore. I knew our relationship couldn't continue if we wanted to see each other on the other side.

"Like I said," I repeated calmly, trying to rein in my temper, "you don't know _anything_. Do _not_ talk about things you know _nothing_ about!"

"Tell me, and let _me_ see if I understand!"

"Remus—"

"Just _tell_ me, all right?!" Remus shot back, his voice cracking. "Just _give_ me a chance to still see the good in you, to see that you're still worth it! _Tell me_!"

At the last outburst, I turned around to face him. His lips were parted slightly as he panted from his rant. There were tears streaming down his cheeks, and I had to vehemently ignore the impulse to grab his face and kiss his worries away as I looked into his sorrow-filled, beautiful eyes.

"I cannot," I calmly replied, and I felt relieved as Remus stood up and punched my jaw. I staggered back, but I made no move to defend myself.

"Fight back," spat Remus after a minute, sounding uncharacteristically harsh. "Why don't you fight back?"

I remained silent, not wanting to escalate things any further. Unfortunately, Remus continued to egg me on and try to get me to react.

"Fight back, _Snape_ ," Remus taunted once more, and my temper started to rise steadily as I was reminded over and over again of Potter's rage and resolve to kill me. "Fight back! What's stopping you? Use your cutting spell, something, anything! Just fight back!"

Still, I said nothing. Albus wouldn't want me to lash out at one of our own. Instead, I backed away a little more. This clearly made Remus incensed, as he called me the one thing that I absolutely _loathed_ being called.

"You _coward_!" he screamed, looking more and more stricken by the second. "Harry was right! You're a fucking COWARD!"

I've been called a slew of things in the past: a faggot, a poofter, a queer, a cocksucker, and a bastard. But those names meant nothing to me, for I knew deep inside that those were the masks people hid behind to conceal their fear of the things that were irregular to them. But whenever I was called a coward, it tore a hole in my heart. Why? Because it was true. It was so fucking true. I was too scared to fight back against my father, too scared to help my mother, too scared to back out from the Death Eater cause, and too scared to admit my feelings to Remus in school. It took me seeing myself holding hands with him in the Mirror of Erised after Black escaped from Azkaban to finally make an advance towards him.

This time, though, I knew I wasn't a coward. I _knew_ I did something that no one else could've done. And I couldn't stand to be called the one word that had defined me for most of my life, especially when I had to kill my friend to ensure he died painlessly not too long ago. No, I would _not_ stand to be called a coward. Not this time.

"I—AM NOT—A FUCKING— _COWARD_!" I thundered, and Remus's anger was wiped right off his face and replaced with surprise. "AND DON'T YOU _DARE_ CALL ME THAT _EVER AGAIN_!" To my credit, tears started to leak from my eyes once more, but I continued on my tangent, making sure to cast the Muffliato Charm so that neighbors wouldn't hear what I said next:

"ALBUS _ASKED ME_ TO KILL HIM! HE _ASKED ME_ TO! HE TOUCHED A CURSED RING, AND HE FUCKING _ASKED ME_ TO SAVE _HIM_ FROM _HUMILIATION_! WHY?! TO SAVE DRACO MALFOY'S SOUL! TO RELIEVE HIM FROM PAIN! TO ENSURE _I AM IN A POSITION WHERE I CAN EFFECTIVELY DESTROY VOLDEMORT_!"

As I finished my rant, I felt my knees buckle, and I placed my hands on them to steady myself.

"Do you see the broken bottle, Remus?" I croaked, looking up at the love of my life and gesturing to the shattered Ogden's bottle lying by the fireplace. "I drank myself into a stupor after I came home. I didn't even take a potion for my hangover when I woke up because I felt like I deserved the pain." More hot tears burned in my eyes, but I blinked them away.

"See this?" I continued, holding up my bandaged hand. "I cut myself while in a rage. Surely, that must prove something."

Suddenly feeling wearier than I had felt earlier, I stood up and sauntered over to the sofa before plopping down on it. After what seemed like hours, Remus walked over and sat down next to me, gently putting a hand on my shoulder.

"Severus?" His voice was no louder than a whisper.

"I've reached my breaking point, Remus," I moaned, feeling utterly useless and defeated. "I don't know if I'll be able to do this any longer before I snap." As those words left my mouth, they were met with silence. Then, I felt a pair of soft, warm, slightly scarred lips press onto mine. Fingers slid into my hair, pulling me closer as a hand cupped my cheek. I grabbed Remus's collar, wrapping my other arm around his neck. Then, I tightened my hold on him as the hand on my cheek was removed. A shiver went up my spine as I felt that same hand reach under my shirt and run itself over the multitude of scars on my back, some decades old and others just a few weeks.

"You won't snap, Severus," Remus murmured against my lips. A moan of pleasure escaped my throat as I felt his tongue slipping inside my mouth. "You won't snap," he repeated, nipping gently on my lower lip. Somehow, I found myself under him as he planted a trail of hot kisses down my neck while repeating the same phrase over and over like a mantra. His constant reassurances gave me confidence and warmth. His soothing voice comforted me and made me feel safe. I felt like nothing could go wrong while I was in Remus's arms.

When we pulled away, I felt a sense of withdrawal. Remus's kisses were like an addictive drug: they always left me wanting more. I couldn't go through the day without feeling his body against my own, whether it be while we were in bed, lovemaking in the dead of night, or in the broom closet, hidden away from the other students and teachers. I could never get enough of him. Ever.

"Severus, look at me." I looked up, drowning myself as I stared into those hazel orbs.

"Whatever happens, we _will_ see each other on the other side of this damn war. I won't go down without a fight."

I managed to crack a small smile at the thought of us living happily together once all this was over.

"Neither will I," I answered.

Remus smiled warmly, jumping forward to wrap his arms around me tightly. I reciprocated the action, holding him even tighter.

"Oh, Severus, if I had only known…" Remus said into my shoulder. I rubbed his back affectionately, deciding to say nothing during this moment. That was when Remus looked up.

"Promise me you'll be careful. Promise me." I closed my eyes and nodded, feeling a fire start to burn in my heart.

"And...I'm sorry about punching you earlier," Remus added with a nervous laugh. I rubbed my jaw and laughed with him.

"Well, I certainly wasn't expecting the first one," I admitted. "The second one, I let happen."

At that, Remus's lighthearted expression turned somber. He placed a hand on top of mine.

"Severus, I apologize for calling you a coward. It was uncalled for and very wrong of me," he said ashamedly, looking very contrite.

"You weren't to know there was more to the story," I defended, not wanting Remus to be addressing any of his faults.

"Still, I know that that word hurts you deeply, and I'd take it back if I could."

"I know," I immediately replied. "You don't need to tell me."

I took Remus's hand and laced my fingers with his. Then we sat there in a comfortable silence. I felt more confident than I did earlier about surviving the war, knowing that Remus now knew that I had been loyal to Albus this whole time. Now I had someone I could confide in. That was when I realized something.

"I need to teach you Occlumency," I said suddenly.

"Oh?" asked Remus, sounding more curious than confused.

"You know the real reason I had to kill Albus, so I need to teach you to block your mind against intrusion. You don't happen to know how to do this already, do you?"

Remus shook his head.

"I have some books on Occlumency. I'll give them to you and then you can go."

"Go?" questioned Remus. I sighed.

"It's already dangerous enough that you're here. I'm sorry."

"No, I understand," said Remus after a moment.

I grinned widely, giving his hand a squeeze.

"You really are wonderful, Remus. Really."

Remus returned the squeeze and replied, "You're wonderful, too, love. Much more than I could be."

My heart warmed immensely at the endearment. It was genuine and sweet, and it always assured me that his love for me was real. After giving Remus a peck on his cheek, I took my hand away and walked over to the bookshelf, taking out the three books that I knew would help Remus the most with Occlumency. I shrunk them and gave the books to Remus. Then, smiling, I pulled him into another embrace.

I buried my face in his neck, inhaling his grassy scent. I stroked his hair, too, as he was slightly shorter than me.

"I love you, Severus," said Remus, "so much."

At that moment, I knew nothing could go wrong as long as we stood by each other.

I smiled into his hair as I replied, "I love you too, Remus."

We pulled away, and I knew I'd have to stay strong in order to make it out alive.

"Take care, my friend," said Remus as he placed a hand on my shoulder and squeezed it.

I watched forlornly as Remus walked away and out of the door, already longing for his touch once more.

But if there was one thing I learned that night, it was that I would never be alone again.

For once, I was fighting for something. Now I knew that I wasn't just fighting to avenge Lily or protect Potter.

I was fighting for Remus's love.


End file.
